


Three little words

by chouxchan



Category: EXO (Band), KrisHan - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3693012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chouxchan/pseuds/chouxchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following a suicide attempt, Luhan starts going to therapy every day. After a month, he runs into Kris, who turns out to be just what he needed. Kris heals him better than any drugs ever could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Big, warm hands

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Depression, self-hate, mentions of abuse/rape.
> 
> A/N1: This is SO not what I planned it to be, but I hope it's nice anyway.
> 
> A/N2: I don't have anything against Xiumin, so no hate, please. It just fit the story.
> 
> A/N3: Please comment and tell me what you think <3

_25 January_

Luhan bit his bottom lip nervously. He was starting to think this was a bad idea. When the doctor had made the appointment for him following his suicide attempt, he hadn't been given much choice in the matter.

"Luhan-sshi?" The pleasantly cool voice of the receptionist caught his attention, making him snap his head in her direction.

"Yes?"

"Doctor Kim will see you now."

"Ah, yes. Th-thank you." Luhan attempted to smile at her, but it felt awkward and nervous. She didn't seem to notice his doubts, or maybe she was being professional by pretending she didn't.

"Hello, Luhan, welcome", the psychologist smiled as Luhan opened the door and hesitantly stepped inside the office. Luhan merely nodded, suddenly too nervous to speak.

"Please sit down. My name is Kim Joonmyeon," the doctor smiled. He looked kind.

"L-luhan."

"So, Luhan, would you mind telling me why you're here today?"

"I tried... to kill myself."

"I see. Can I ask why?"

"Because I'm worthless. I'm a loser who always makes mistakes. I'm a burden on everyone and I don't deserve to live."

Luhan accepted the tissue Joonmyeon held out, only now feeling the wetness of tears on his cheeks.

"Who told you that?"

"It's kinda obvious without anyone telling me, you'll notice it too. But..."

"But?"

"Minseok used to remind me. When he hit me..."

"Who is Minseok?"

"My... ex-boyfriend. He dumped me on Christmas Eve."

"I understand. Luhan, I would like to get to know you a little better, and I find that many of my patients find the game of association an easy way to open up. Would you like to try?"

Luhan nodded.

"Okay. So, I'm going to say a word, and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your mind, without thinking about it. If nothing comes up, just tell me blank, okay?"

Luhan nodded again, causing Joonmyeon to smile, before he picked up a list of words, taking notes with his free hand.

"Bicycle", Joonmyeon started.

"Wheels."

"Fruit."

"Apple."

For almost five minutes, Joonmyeon just listed various harmless words, as a warm-up for what was to come.

"Home."

"Jongno."

"Family."

"Blank."

"Love."

"Loss."

"Sex."

"Pain." A shudder down his spine. All he knew about sex came from Minseok's rough ministrations.

"Friends."

"Betrayal." A bitter taste in his mouth. Minseok had turned Luhan's friends on him, and they had let him.

"Luhan."

"Freak." Minseok's words echoed in his head.

"Minseok."

"Pain." Luhan didn't want to do this anymore.

"Abuse."

"No." Luhan felt panic creep up. This was hitting too close to home. He definitely didn't want to do this anymore.

"Rape."

"No! Please!"

Luhan almost screamed out the last words, shaking his head and shutting his eyes as tightly as he could. That was a door he didn't want to open, and he fought desperately for it to close again.

"Dog", he heard Joonmyeon's calm voice after a few seconds.

"What?"

"Dog."

"Puppy?"

"Summer."

"Ice cream."

For another five minutes, Joonmyeon once again listed harmless words, letting Luhan calm down. He had all the information he needed anyway.

Joonmyeon and Luhan talked about various relatively safe topics, mostly regarding Luhan's college classes, for the allotted hour. When the session was coming to an end, Joonmyeon made sure that Luhan would come back the next day, same time, for another session. And every day after that.

"I want to give you some homework, Luhan."

"Homework?"

"A mission, if you will. I'm going to give you this notebook, and every evening I want you to write a list of three words that you think describe your day. Any words that you feel have meaning. Starting today. Every session, I want you to tell me what you wrote."

Luhan accepted the notebook — a baby blue thing with a hard cover — and nodded thoughtfully. With that, they bid their goodbyes until next time.

That night, Luhan thought hard about what words to write for his first list. He wanted to write good words, that would make Joonmyeon tell him that he'd done well.

_1\. psychologist_

_2\. word game_

_3. ~~Joonmyeon's smile~~ notebook_

_4 March_

The daily sessions continued, and even though Luhan's self image and self esteem were still pretty much non-existent, at least he didn't want to kill himself anymore. They had slowly started talking about Minseok, and Luhan had realised that thanks to Joonmyeon, it wasn't as scary as he had thought at first.

Hugging his notebook to his chest, Luhan decided to cheer himself up with some bubble tea. That had been another piece of homework from Joonmyeon, to do at least one thing every day that he liked.

While he was sitting at the crowded café, enjoying his Tropical Mix bubble tea, he was pulled from his thoughts by a deep voice.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full."

Luhan looked up to see a tall man with an awkward smile on his face and a green bubble tea in his hand.

"If you want to", Luhan said shyly, unable to take his eyes off the man's huge hands.

"Wow, this place is really crowded, today, isn't it?" the man chatted, most likely in an attempt to make it less awkward.

"Yeah", Luhan answered, still shy.

"I'm Kris", by the way, the stranger said suddenly, reaching out for a handshake.

"Luhan." The man's hand felt warm and safe.

"So, Luhan, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm in college. I major in music."

"Oh, cool. Like, do you play an instrument or do you sing?"

"I sing, mostly. Some piano." Luhan was a bit baffled by the thought that someone seemed to actually find him interesting.  _He's probably just being polite. It's weird to sit in silence with a complete stranger at a café._

"Nice. Maybe you can sing for me sometime", Kris half-joked. Luhan smiled shyly, not knowing what to answer.

"So, what do you do?" he asked, wanting to divert the topic, away from himself, before Kris found out what a pathetic loser he really was.

"I'm a veterinarian. I work at the zoo."

"That's nice. What's your favourite animal?"

"It's kind of a dead tie between the koala and the alpaca. They're both funny and cute."

Kris and Luhan ended up talking for almost two hours. Luhan liked how easy it was to interact with Kris. He liked that Kris didn't seem to mind leading the conversation, and taking initiative seemed natural to him. He was the dead opposite of Luhan. Whenever he took initiative or made a decision for himself, it usually didn't end well. Minseok was a splendid example of that. Luhan liked being obedient, liked being told that he'd been a good boy and done the right thing, and he always felt a strange sense of comfort and safety when someone else told him what he should do. It was easier. He just had to do what he was told, and everything would be fine.

When they said their goodbyes, Luhan found himself leaving with Kris' phone number on a tissue and a promise that Luhan would come and visit Kris at the zoo on the following Saturday.

_Did I just make a friend?_ Luhan wondered, unable to take his mind off Kris for the rest of the evening. That night as he wrote his list, he smiled —  _really_ smiled — for the first time in almost two years.

_1\. Bubble tea_

_2\. Kris_

_3\. Hands_


	2. Revelations

_5 May_

"What's the occasion?" Luhan asked when he saw the cupcakes on Joonmyeon's desk.

"It's our one hundredth session today. I wanted to commemorate it."

A few minutes in to their session, Joonmyeon suggested they do the association game again. He liked to do that once in a while as he claimed it was a good way to measure any changes in the patient's views on the world. For Luhan, this was the third time.

"Home."

"Mapo." On Kris' request, they had become roommates, moving into their rooftop apartment last week.

"Family."

"Kris."

"Love."

"Kris." _What? I love him?_ Luhan looked with big, confused eyes at Joonmyeon, who just smiled all-knowingly in return.

"Sex."

"Pain." Past memories still haunted him, albeit not as frequently.

"Friends."

"Yes." Kris' friends were now also Luhan's friends, and they were very nice to him.

"Luhan."

"Weak." _And that's okay. There's someone who can take care of me now._

"Minseok."

"Gone." Minseok hadn't invaded Luhan's mind even once in several weeks.

"Kris."

"Protection."

"Abuse."

"Minseok."

"Rape."

Luhan took a deep breath before answering with a shudder.

"No." The word still made him highly uncomfortable, but it didn't make him want to scream like the other times. Today it was just a word. A horrible, disgusting, scary word, but still just a word.

* * *

"I'm happy to see that Kris-sshi has had such a positive impact on you, Luhan," Joonmyeon said as their session was coming to a close. 

Luhan smiled.

"In fact, I would like to meet him and talk to him. Do you think you can ask him to come along for a session? It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but soon, would be nice."

Luhan's smile suddenly faltered.

"What's wrong, Luhan?"

Instead of answering, Luhan bit his bottom lip, near tears of sudden fear.

"Haven't you told Kris about our sessions?"

Luhan shook his head, a single tear spilling over.

"Why not? What do you think will happen?"

"I... don't want him to think I'm a freak and leave like..."

"Like who?"

"Minseok, my parents, my friends."  _Everyone_ . Luhan was sobbing now.

"Luhan. You know Kris better than I do, but if I were him, I'd want to know if my friend was hurting. From what you've told me about him over these past two months, and especially today, I think it's safe to trust him with this."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay", Luhan said after some thought. "If you think it's a good idea, I'll talk to him."

* * *

_1\. Kris_

_2\. Love?!?!?!_

_3\. Worry_

_6 May_

Luhan was waiting anxiously for Kris to finish his shower. Today was the day he'd tell his friend about the not so pretty parts of his life. He sat on the bed they shared for space reasons, fingering the hem of his shirt.

When Kris came out of the bathroom, he saw the worry etched on Luhan's face. That was nothing new, Luhan was very fretful and anxious at times, poor thing, but today it seemed to be one of his worse days.

Putting on a smile that he hoped was comforting, Kris walked over to his friend and lay down on the bed, letting the smaller male cling to him like a frightened koala. This had become somewhat of a habit of theirs, Kris comforting Luhan, and they both found that they liked it. Luhan because he felt safe, loved and protected for the first time in his life, and Kris because he finally had someone he could take care of, dote upon and shower with affection. The fact that he was quite deeply in love Luhan made it even nicer.

Scratching gentle circles with his fingernails on Luhan's back, Kris felt the other almost tremble in his arms.

"What's the matter, Little Deer?" he asked, using the nickname he'd invented when he first learnt the meaning of Luhan's name. It had been a joke to tease his friend at the time, but by now it was their own little secret code.

"I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to walk out on me because of it."

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"Okay. So... You know how I go somewhere every day at the exact same time?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wonder why?"

"Of course I do, I'm insanely curious. But I figure you'll tell me about it when and if you want to."

"Actually, I'm seeing a psychologist."

"Every day?"

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Because little over a month before we met, I tried to kill myself."

Those last words washed over Kris like an icy shower. He had no idea Luhan had been hurting that bad. He tightened his embrace around his friend, before asking his next question, not really sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"Why?"

"Because I hated myself. Because my ex-boyfriend made me hate myself even more. Because I only make mistakes and because I'm a burden to everyone, and that's why everyone leaves. And now that you know what a crazy freak show I am, you'll leave to, and I'll be all alone in the world again. I can't handle that. Please don't leave me."

Luhan's increasingly desperate rant, whispered through his silent tears, broke Kris' heart. Fighting his own tears, he hugged Luhan as hard as he could, almost as if he could crush the layers of pain and suffering in his strong arms.

"I'm not leaving. You're not a freak show. You're not a burden. You're not alone. Don't hate yourself. Please. Please. It's gonna be okay." Kris whispered those words like a mantra, kissing Luhan's hair between every sentence.

Luhan clutched the front of Kris' shirt even harder, burying his face in the taller man's chest, relieved by the words and the sincerity in them, feeling only loved. For the first time in his entire, miserable life, he cried happy tears. And for the first time in his life, he had someone who loved him enough to cry with him, for him.

They lay in silence for almost an hour, slipping in and out of a comfortable, warm haze of calm intimacy. 

Wanting to ask Kris before they both fell asleep, Luhan propped himself up on his elbow to meet Kris' eyes.

"What's the matter?" Kris asked.

"The reason I told you about all that stuff is because my doctor wants to meet you."

"Me?"

"Yeah... He says that you have a very positive impact on me, and he would like for you to come with me on one of my sessions. When you have time, of course", Luhan added quickly, realising that Kris might not want to.

"I can take tomorrow off, if you want me to come soon."

"You'd do that for me?" Luhan was so moved he could barely speak. He felt the tears well up again.

"Of course. You're my best friend, my roommate, and kinda my family. I'll just call it family emergency, it'll be fine."

* * *

_1\. Kris_

_2\. Hug_

_3\. Love_

 


	3. Three little words

_ 7 May _

"Welcome, Kris-sshi, it's so nice to finally meet you", Joonmyeon smiled when Kris and Luhan entered his office.

"Hi", Kris answered, accepting the doctor's handshake.

"So, the reason I wanted to meet you was that you seem to have a great impact on our common friend here. His recovery truly sped up after he met you."

"Glad to be of help", Kris smiled, looking at Luhan.

"Can I ask how much Luhan has told you?"

"Well, I know that he tried to kill himself, I know about him being abandoned by people, and I gather that his ex was an abusive asshole, if you pardon my language."

"That's the gist of it", Joonmyeon said, shooting a glance at Luhan, who pressed his lips together in a half-smile to show that he was okay. "I would like to ask you a few questions about your relationship with Luhan, if you don't mind."

"Anything I can do to help."

"How did you first meet?"

"At a bubble tea café. I'm sure Luhan has told you about it, but from my point of view, I was really lucky that day. I got to meet my best friend in the whole world."

Not even Kris could escape the association game. On Joonmyeon's request, Luhan waited outside while they did it, to avoid any subconscious influences or censorship.

"Family."

"Luhan."

"Love."

"Luhan."

"Sex."

"Love."

"Friends."

"Laughter."

"Luhan."

"Beautiful."

"Kris."

"Caring. Wait, is it weird to say that about myself? Never mind. Don't tell me."

Joonmyeon chuckled, before saying the last, difficult words in the game.

"Luhan's ex."

"Bastard."

"Abuse."

"Awful."

"Rape."

"Monster. Is... Is that what happened to Luhan?" Kris looked horrified as the last words sunk in.

"I'm afraid that's not my place to say, and I ask that you don't press Luhan about it, either", Joonmyeon said, suddenly stern.

"I won't", Kris nodded, loathe to do anything that might upset his precious Little Deer.

That night, Luhan felt much calmer than in a long time. Knowing that Kris was okay with Luhan being unwell, and knowing that it had gone beyond his expectations at Joonmyeon's office, made everything so much easier.

_1\. Kris_

_2\. Session_

_3\. Happy_

Not noticing that Kris was watching him, Luhan doodled a little flower next to today's list.

"What are you writing every night?" Kris asked suddenly, pulling Luhan out of his reverie.

"Hmm? Homework from Joonmyeon. Every night I have to write the three most important words about the day."

"Can I see?"

"If you want to", Luhan said, suddenly blushing. This was much more intimate than anything they had been doing so far. 

Carefully flipping through the pages, Kris was relieved to see that the words became happier and brighter by the week. He was also a bit proud and moved by the fact that his own name was there in every list Luhan had written over the last month, including today.

Seeing that two out of the three last lists had the word "love" in them made Kris' heart skip a beat.

"Does this... Does this mean what I think it means?" he asked, hesitantly, pointing to the word.

Luhan blushed a deep red, fingering the hem of his t-shirt while looking at his knees, before nodding quickly.

"Yes. But you don't have to feel pressured or anything", he added quickly.

"Don't worry", Kris whispered, suddenly leaning in close, eyes locked with Luhan's searching for something, approval, rejection, even Kris didn't know. But he found it. And then he kissed Luhan, lightly, gently, carefully as if Luhan was the most fragile being in the world. 

"I love you", he whispered as their lips parted.

"I love you", Luhan answered.

* * *


End file.
